I Drown In The Fern

Poet, painter and podcaster Phillip J. Mellen @phillip.j.mellen asked me to collaborate with him on a project involving his poetry and my drawings. 

I sent Phillip a drawing and he wrote a poem instigated by it. You can see it on his blog here All Systems Nervous.  

He sent me poems to choose from and to use as impetus to make a drawing. I chose I DROWN IN THE FERN. This poem is light and verdant at the same time, living and dying. Time passes and still there is return.

I've posted my collaboration below. Thanks Phillip for reaching out. It was great to work with you, let's do it again in the New Year.

Steady on

Getting a bit more of a grip on things (see last post for losing a grip), I think.

Some travel and time outdoors has helped a lot. I'm moving into a new series and doing a lot of drawing. And accepting how things are. This, what I'm doing now, is what I need. It is slowly evolving and changing. When I can I will update my website, and look for a show. Right now I will travel and make art. When it is ready I'll put it out there. Sometimes you just have to be quiet and work.

A photo from my recent trip.

The river flows steadily on after the rushing water of spring has passed.

Lost for Words

In the last post I was looking at where I'm going with the latest paintings. Wanting to pick a lane to travel in for a while. I seem to have picked a lane. Some photos below. I'm not feeling very articulate about these, a bit lost for words.

All the text and the language has disappeared from what I'm doing in the studio, even titles are mute. Maybe I will look at them all later and they will tell me what to say, and how to name them.

Flounderer in the Shallows of Art

Summer studio has been productive. Now what? I need to update my website, photograph work properly, look for a way to show what I've been doing. I'm kind of torn between two "bodies of work" I'm working through.

Why do I always do this, start one thing and have to have another project happening at the same time? Henry Samelson , in his blog, calls it having a Buddy of Work, or work you do alongside of your main preoccupation at the time. Trouble is my preoccupation seems to be divided down the middle. I tell myself "pick a lane road warrior" (a line from a Frasier episode).

I'm sitting here now between a wall full of paintings in the"weathering realities" series and, on the other side of the room, two of the oil paintings on old paintings with an old painting waiting on the easel to be set upon.

Two, of a large number of  oil paintings, behind and on the floor.
An old landscape I'm painting over on the easel.

Just a few of the many many paintings in the
'weathering realities' series

I'm not finished either series yet. I want to continue for a while before I start deliberately looking for venues, although I've already had an online show of some of the weathering realities series. It came my way, I didn't seek it out and if something comes my way I would consider showing some of this work again.

Do I have to choose a lane? What does it mean if I don't? How do I present them? Do I look for shows of the two separate bodies, or do I look to show them together? Am I just a flounderer in the shallows of art? Maybe you shouldn't answer that, it might crush me.

Moving on Into the Pink?

I took down my last post, so rainy, sad weathery a post. I'm moving on. Today I get back to my "regular" studio work, and preparing for the trip. The way things are going down in the United States of America, I'm not sure how much I'll feel like going in December. But, it's still in the plan, I'll play it by ear.

Just gonna get to work on what's bursting to get out here in the studio. Fall is such an internal time for me. So, I'm just going to go there in my work.

I think I'll stop posting for a while and see where that brings me. Of course, I might change my mind.

Just rambling on here.

Here is a happy little drawing from the summer.

Dog in the Pink

Art, travel and all my sisters: apathy and excitement

I've got a cold, and am soo slowed down. Can't paint so I'm writing this. Feeling apathetic in the studio. It's not just the cold, there's something else going on. The "why bother" syndrome has taken me over ever since the latest move. Maybe it's the state of world affairs.

I started a commissioned portrait because somebody asked me and I thought it might push me out of the doldrums. I'm enjoying it. Though I am not thinking it's that good at the moment I can let go of the need to be good, and just try my best with it. My agreement with the commissioner is that they don't have to buy it if they don't like it.

The cold sucks, adds to the apathy. I think I should just rest or it will hang on and get worse. That's hard when I feel a need to push myself a little. I'm coughing and sweating as I write this, so maybe no pushing will be done today.

I'm a loner, I don't go to many openings, don't like the "art scene",  local, or anywhere. I haven't much ambition to be part of it all. Sad, maybe, maybe not. Maybe just realistic. So, why am I bothering, it's certainly not the money.

I've been doing a lot of travelling since the spring and am preparing to take 2 months to go on a winter road trip to Arizona. This is the thing that is most exciting to me at the moment. Planning, fixing up the truck camper, and working on my little commission.

The commission is a version of a painting I made a couple of years ago, it's of all my sisters and me. It needs a lot of work on it still. Maybe I'll give it a couple of licks right now.

Here are two stages of it. Ack, shouldn't really show it now, but wtf. Maybe someone else can relate to the place of apathy and beginning again.

All in a Days Work: Accounting for Myself

Art and Taxes in the Kitchen/Studio/Office

Recently I've been feeling that I'm not getting into the studio part of the Kitchen/Studio often enough. Medical issues at home, as I may have mentioned before :/ have eaten up energy and time. They are almost resolved now and Tax prep reared it's ugly head. Office work happened, catching up on things happened, well not really, that never happens. Now there is packing for the upcoming move and moving and various appointments that are a disruption to the day to day studio schedule.  And, what I want to be doing is preparing for and going on road trips and painting and working on showing paintings.

A move is happening and I have to get at that packing! I plan to get into the studio regularly while packing just like I've been doing through taxes and clearing up backed up office work.

Making these two slight drawings before sitting down to the computer work meant I felt fairly grounded through the 3 day office work stint.

No No No

Source of Income

I also worked on two paintings through that time. Thanks for listening (that is reading) my attempts to account for my actions, knowing you are there keeps me honest with myself :).

What I Am Doing Part 6

Beginning to End

For Parts 1- 5 see previous posts on making this painting.

So here is the painting from beginning to end. I'm supplying a bit of a narrative about what happened in each stage. This painting was was not "thought" out, but each move was a response to what was there. In the narrative I'm describing what I see from looking at the photo of the stage.

There was no real plan, except to respond to the initial colour choices and marks made haphazardly at the beginning.

Stage 1: a painting I was not happy with that I decided to paint over:

Stage 2: I chose and mixed some colour to start with and covered as much as the first painting as I needed to in order to start fresh and loose.

 Stage 3: I brought in some warmer colour to give it more life.

Stage 4: more warm colour black, white and grey. More graphic/drawn elements.

Stage 5: Calm it down bring it together, cover some of the black and the red with grey, and white, bring up some of the yellow.

Stage 6: Bring in blue, calm down the reds and orange, bring it all together even more by breaking up the black more.

Stage 7: Bring it way down in brightness, bring in finer graphic elements. See what happens, then go from there.

Stage 8:  Warm up the cold yellows, liven up some of the dull parts to bring back life and movement.

What I Am Doing Part 5

All the Answers

For Parts 1- 4 see previous posts on making this painting.

It's been a rough transition back to the studio, but I'm here now. Now that I'm back into my studio routine I will move along with more flow for a while until the next interruption. I'll have to come and go in the next few months as I soon will pack and move. Working from the kitchen means that will be a big interruption.

Just a job
As a friend of mine said on Facebook today, making art is a job, all jobs are hard at times and easier at times. The job of making art is the job I want and is easier than any job I've ever done because of that. I'm blogging about my job because It helps me get perspective and because I enjoy communicating with others who share my difficulties and my enjoyment and those who are interested in what I do. Thanks for coming along.

Laziness
The painting sits here in the kitchen as I come and go. Having it around all the time means I can let go of its status as some kind of precious object I have to be careful with.  Today I started late with actually putting paint to paper. I let myself wait until I felt I knew what to do to start. Once I began I quickly felt it was done. It gave me the answers I was looking for, for now. It told me this is all I can do with it and I should stop, let it go, start something else building on this series from this point.

I know someone who makes and modifies things, she says she is physically lazy so she designs all kinds of options in her head and thinks through every possible configuration before she starts the physical work. I'm lazy too; I sit around, I mix paint, I wander around in my mind, I look and then I paint, usually not very long at a time. Then I come back the next day and go through the same process. I love that process, it is a daydreaming, pleasure filled, all possibilities are open, all dreams can be fulfilled space in time before I start to work and the work goes best if I allow myself that time.

Let it be both dark and light
Some of my thoughts as I looked at the last stage before I began painting today: "warm up that cold yellow", "bring in more warmth with yellow orange and cool with white and grey",  "just a little now, a light touch", "let it be both dark and light but you don't want heavy, that's not where you are", "take care of that dirty yellow on the left middle it makes everything off balance, but don't bookend the orange"..

Last stage:

All the Answers,
24 x 18"
oil and mixed media on mylar

What I Am Doing Part 4

Losing my nerve:

Feels like I'm going off on a wild fling with this painting. Please see the previous 3 blog posts about the process of painting this to see thoughts about and photos of the earlier stages.

When I looked at yesterday's stage these were some of my thoughts, "don't lose your nerve, it can fail, you can start again". "hmm, pushing it back with line", "it's too pretty", it's too wishy washy","too much or not enough?", "are those dull ugly bits good or bad?" "more graphic elements" "break up that black more, too awkward", "more grey to calm down the brightness"

For awhile I felt like I was losing my nerve because of my complete lack. Then it occurred to me I don't care, it's a search, every painting is a university course.

I'm going to let it sit and dry so that I can go back into it. Stay tuned, another post in a few days. I might have to do something drastic to it! I'm thinking, feeling kinda horrible about it right now. But, excited at the same time.

Today it has come to this.  The title that's running through my head is "All the Answers". I photographed it outdoors because I couldn't stand the glare any more and since it's not raining today:

What I Am Doing Part 3

Following up on the previous 2 posts here is where I am today with this painting.

Yesterday's painting session I left off with this:

Stage 4, painting in progress, where I left off yesterday

It's lively, and unfinished. When I looked at it today, my thoughts and feelings went something like this. "quiet it down" "remember the use of grey and white" "look at some of the other paintings in this series to see how you might do it" "don't go too far too fast, let it speak to you".

Below are two photo taken part way through today's session. One is a side view so there is not so much glare from the wet paint.

Grey and white brought in. Some of the large black marks broken up, some scraping back, some straight lines. I want it to be, wait now, I don't want it to be anything, I want to find out what it will be, I want to let it have its secrets... But I'm liking how it is becoming more delicate while still feeling full of movement, at least that's what I see.

Stage 5, front view

Stage 4, side view to minimize glare from the wet paint

Below are two photos from the end of today's session.

More blue introduced, more subtle mark making, more scraping. It looks mushy at the top in the first photo because of the glare. It's a little more bold than this shows, as you can see from the second photo. Hmm, what next? I will leave it and look at it and go back in. It might be a couple of days from now as I have plans for the weekend out of the studio

Stage 6 front view

Stage 6, side view to minimize glare from wet paint

Final thoughts and feelings about this, "ack, It's a mess" then "shut up and leave it alone for a while" then "that right side, not enough weight or something" then "give it some time, wait". It will sit in the kitchen/studio for a few days and it will speak volumes. I have to figure out which sentences to listen to.

What I Am Doing

What am I doing? I asked myself that on Facebook yesterday. So today I thought I would write about that. I'm painting. Painting makes no sense really. I'm not in it for the money or for the career. It actually takes time away from making money or having a career, I've decided. A career might happen, whatever that is, but it's taking its time. Money might happen, and it does occasionally, but not enough to use it as a reason to do what I'm doing. And, that is not what I want. I don't want money to be the reason. I'll take it if it comes though.

My answer to my question is "this is what I'm doing, I'm painting", I'm exploring, I'm living my life the way I want. It's not easy, very few have easy lives. Sometimes it's terrific, sometimes it sucks. No self-help book or rosy outlook will change that. There are things I do that help me get through the sucky though.

Today I painted. I took another older piece, shown in a previous post and I began painting on top of it. I had already reworked it from an even older piece. It still wasn't working for me. I don't know, it was too static, too obvious, not subtle enough, not enough about painting. Lately it's all about the painting and the secret messages that are held in painting and in paintings. I will try to post a photo each day I work on it of how it goes unless that starts to get in the way, or I'm too embarrassed, or I lose my nerve.

Here is where I started today:

Here's where I obliterated enough of the image to be able to carry on. Excuse the glare, wet paint.

Starting something and going on

I've been getting away from the voices in my head saying, you should do this, you should do that with regard to the paintings I am making. Unhelpful suggestions all. I needed to let something go so I'd know how to start again. I took some time away to go camping and to have friends over for dinner, to do a few neglected chores.

I needed to make decisions and go on without imposing 'must do', for all the wrong reasons, on what I did next.


Slow starter

Today I'm back. I spent the day getting here. I made breakfast, drank two cups of coffee while reading my feeds, email and Facebook. I walked the dog and did the dishes. I ate lunch while reading a few chapters of "Behind the Scenes at the Museum" by Kate Atkinson. I took some work off the drawing board and hung it up to dry. I mixed up some paint, not much, just enough to get started on something.

The last piece I worked on titled "I think I will go on" wasn't finished, just needed a little work. I did that little work. Here it is now.

Then I put another drawing that I want to rework into a painting on the drawing board. There it sits right now intimidating me, or something like that. Just sitting there saying come on do it.

The drawing I want to rework defying me to make a mark on it

I'm thinking, I haven't mixed enough paint. I'm thinking, maybe I need to warm up with a drawing, I'm thinking, oh, the dog needs to go out.. Then, finally, I'm thinking, do something, start. This is the way you do it, you start, then you go on.

So, I will start and report back.

Later:
I started, now I've completely mucked it up, I will go in and see what I can do with it. Sorry about the bad photos, not enough light in the studio for photos really and I've got work to do, so just snapshots of starting is what I have time for.

If and when it works out I'll post it on Facebook and Instagram, please follow me there.

Let me know what happens in your studio in the comments or on Facebook. I'm eager to know.

Sorry State of Affairs

So much for *not* the best laid plans. It's been more than two months since I darkened the blogger door. The summer has been about travel and being in the studio. Lots of little trips, hiking and camping, swimming and recharging. Lots of work made and posted on Facebook, please follow me there for all the latest in this messy process. You will find, a painting on mylar here, a contour drawing there, a plein air drawing (not from life) in another place, some dabbling in collage, some studio drawings in my sketch book etc. See, messy.

The piece I posted in this blog in June has been reworked once again. I posted it here. I think you can see it even if you are not on Facebook.

When I say messy, I do mean messy. The whole process is messy for me. It's taken me the summer to get my head in gear, and my body recharged, only to have life just go on and on, requiring more head work and body recharging. You know how it is, one thing done, another thing crops up. One of life's curve balls dealt with and another just around the bend. This is not a complaint, this is just life. A sorry state of affairs sometimes, a glorious adventure others, and sometimes both simultaneously. A little health crisis here, a big loss there, a move over here, a birth, a death, a lovely trip, a brief fall into despair.

Some exciting news: I will be in another show in January, a small group show on a well respected and beautifully curated website with 5 other artists with whom I am thrilled and honoured to be exhibiting. Stay tuned for details.

Below is a look at my messy process: This is a piece I'm working on as part of the series (started last year) posted to my website on the page  Paintings on Paper. I've been meaning to get back to this series, and now I have.

First stage:  I don't like that Tim Burton face, and overall it feels wishy washy. I started with a light pink/white/blue background and painted in the green cloud and the blue bottom, then I globbed on some piles of paint from left over paint and responded to that, yes there are some sparkles in there.

oil painting on huile paper using leftover paint and fresh paint, stage 1

Next day I looked at it and decided the face had to go, I scraped it out and reworked the background, that figure is too blatant, or something.

oil painting on huile paper using leftover paint and fresh paint, stage 2 

Then I added more pinky purple in the top, integrate the figure, repaint the face, make that oil spill hand more globby. Hmm, I don't know, 

No, not right, redefine the figure, bring up that fence at the bottom a bit, more intense colour by the head to the right etc. Look at it tomorrow.

Sorry State of Affairs, in progress.

Edited to say, reworked and reworked again and  retitled

Can't seem to lighten up

Back to full time in the studio!

Since my show in February (see previous posts), I've been hibernating. Working 3 days a week and all the other demands of life meant that I had to prioritize art making and personal life over blog writing for a while. I am back in the studio full time now (yaay) and returning to writing here about this and that.

A long time ago, in 2013, I wrote this blog post. It was about the painting posted below. I was happy with it at the time and became unhappy with it later. It happens that way sometimes. So I've done some more work on it. It's still in progress. I have to see if it continues to sit well with me.

Cohere
14 x 12" mixed media on mylar

Just a re cap of what's been going on around here:
In 2013, when this piece was started, I returned to my earlier way of painting and drawing. I had taken a few years to explore painting from life and it was not giving me what I wanted. Every painting was too literal for me. Attempting to move them into abstraction made me feel all over the place. I need poetry in my paintings and drawing. Some people can do that with representation and abstraction, I couldn't. I needed to go back to the humour and pathos that I have always indulged in with my work.

Less than two years later I had a solo show and am putting together submissions to show even more recent work. We'll see where that goes.

I'm taking things one day at a time, trying to live every day fully, and not get ahead of myself.

Show Time (and statement angst).

Not long now and the show will be up. On Tuesday we hang. The show is in a non-profit space and so I have to do a lot of the work myself. Wow, marathon. I will have help with the hanging though. Thanks Kriss and Ming and Firehall staff.

Your invitation is posted below, but if you are a Facebook friend or otherwise a  friend, or are on my mailing list you have already seen it.

Things are looking good. Of all the things on my list in the last post there are only a couple left. "Blog Post" is one of them and here I am, blog posting. No statement yet, who knows if it will happen. If it comes naturally and I feel like it, it will be done. I've rewritten my initial statement many times. The last iteration is on the invitation but even that feels not exactly it. It's accurate but doesn't seem to cover it somehow. I recently refined it down to: "Today's Lesson Will be in Life: These pathos and humour filled paintings reveal an approach to current events and life's turmoil that may give some relief from the grim dark while at the same time not denying it's full truth and impact."  Ahh, I don't know. If I could say it, I might not have to paint it. Never mind, I'll do my best with it and that will be that

It's been a while since I've had a solo exhibition. I'm very happy that I did this show. I need and want people to see the new work in person. Thank you in advance for being there. And thanks for reading my posts and looking at my work online too. It's great to have a way to get it out there to appreciative eyes. And, even to critical ones.

Now, to make sure all the last minute things are done and take a walk in the bog with the dog. First I think I'll have lunch and a cup of tea.

Moderately proud.

I'm moderately proud of myself today. I've managed quite a bit since my last post, in spite of having a cold, Christmas and all it entails (though thankfully mine is modest and quiet), working my usual 3 days a week at the dayjob, having a couple of minor crisis that got me up in the middle of the night, causing days in zombieland. Then there is the studio in the kitchen, I'm still working and nothing will stop me. It will be good to get back to a separate studio in a year or so.

It's 1:45 on a Saturday. I should be eating lunch and then going to Opus, the local art supply and framing shop, to finish off 4 small frames and buy some more foam core in order to finish off 2 larger ones. Instead I'm typing this briefly then going. Once I get those frames finished I bring them home and wire them, That will take today and tomorrow (if I fit in a big dollop of doing not much and making dinner etc.).

Then it's down to making labels, a list of work, a statement to go with the work, sending out invites, maybe doing some press outreach...  Will I make it? will it all get done? Stay tuned, and show up on January 22 at 5:30 to see what happens (I think I said 5, in an earlier post so change this on your calendar if you've already marked it down).  I'll be reminding you again.

Putting paint to paper.

I should be painting, but I'm having a hard time getting at it. Too many distractions lately. I'm determined that today I will put paint to paper. Working three days a week at the day job has put a crimp in my studio time. I plan for at least 2 seamless studio days each week. When making plans one forgets that there is a lot to do in the remaining two days a week that is part of being alive; getting things together for the upcoming show, cooking, eating, shopping (for food, and necessities only for the most part), seeing friends and being with family or at least keeping in touch occasionally, walking the dog, exercising, helping others and the occasional crisis that sucks all the life out of one for awhile. Then there is making time for rest, or doing none of the above. Not excuses, just facts. But I'm managing to make art every week too and that is something I'm very happy about, I have a life and a big part of that life is making art. But, it isn't everything. That's just fine. Now I get back in there and get to work.

A sneak peek at a detail of another piece for the upcoming show.

None of the above
(detail)

Control, No Control

Everything is under control. Sort of. Well no, never really. But, good things are happening.

Everything's under control
24 x 18"
oil on mylar

I have a solo show coming up in January of the new paintings. Stoked. If you are a friend or follow me on Facebook you already know that. It’s at The Firehall Arts Centre here in Vancouver. I’ll send you an invitation if you are on my list, if not, and you want one, sign up on the right. Now I have to find a way to pay for all those frames, make the time to frame the work, to do the pre-show outreach… I have to hang the show myself and will have to find someone to help me. Exciting though.

I will post details closer to the date.

And, I’ve been asked to participate in an art project, The Mixed-Media Tapes, that involves artists making recordings about their thoughts on something that interests them, at least that’s my interpretation of the project. I’ve chosen “intuition” as my prompt for this recording. I’ve been developing my skill at following my intuition for a long time now; I’m going to try to talk about that. I googled “intuition”. Google said intuition is receiving input and ideas without knowing exactly how and from where you got them. I have stuff to say about that.

I will keep you informed about the The Mixed-Media Tapes project.

Summer’s over! my place is still full of boxes from the temporary move made in June. Looks like they will be there until after January, and then what would be the point of unpacking, only to re-pack in less than a year. Can’t face it, too many more interesting and necessary things to do. Letting go of that control.

If you want to see a sample of some of the paintings that will be in the show, titled "Today's Lesson Will be in Life", click over to my website. There will be other work in the show as well. 

Accidental meaning.

Hard days recently but now I'm able to get time to be outside in this perfect weather, go camping, hiking, swimming, floating and recover from the recent move as well as find time and energy for the studio again. I've been feeling so much about what's really important. It's really important to work, to give, to make art that is meaningful to you, to have people you love around you, to support yourself and be independent in your art. I've been taking note.

All these words are inadequate. That's why I make things, really, I make things up, some times it's drawings, sometimes paintings, sometimes other things to try to communicate. I make things that can, accidentally, have meaning for me and I hope for someone else.

Right now I am working on two series that feel very connected and more so the more work I make. Besides these two series I'm making drawings at the beginning of each studio day. It seems that the pieces are all working together. The drawings feel somehow ahead of the works in oil paint on paper and the works on mylar. The works on paper feel somehow ahead of the work on mylar, but sometimes a work on mylar feels as though it has jumped the cue.  I'm noticing the drawings at the beginning of the day sometimes don't have obvious figurative elements in them like the other work does.

Here are three examples:

I accidentally meant that
24 x 18"
ink and collage on paper

Unknown 

24 x 18"

oil on mylar

What am I not seeing
10 x 8"
oil on huile paper