Flounderer in the Shallows of Art

Summer studio has been productive. Now what? I need to update my website, photograph work properly, look for a way to show what I've been doing. I'm kind of torn between two "bodies of work" I'm working through.

Why do I always do this, start one thing and have to have another project happening at the same time? Henry Samelson , in his blog, calls it having a Buddy of Work, or work you do alongside of your main preoccupation at the time. Trouble is my preoccupation seems to be divided down the middle. I tell myself "pick a lane road warrior" (a line from a Frasier episode).

I'm sitting here now between a wall full of paintings in the"weathering realities" series and, on the other side of the room, two of the oil paintings on old paintings with an old painting waiting on the easel to be set upon.

Two, of a large number of  oil paintings, behind and on the floor.
An old landscape I'm painting over on the easel.

Just a few of the many many paintings in the
'weathering realities' series

I'm not finished either series yet. I want to continue for a while before I start deliberately looking for venues, although I've already had an online show of some of the weathering realities series. It came my way, I didn't seek it out and if something comes my way I would consider showing some of this work again.

Do I have to choose a lane? What does it mean if I don't? How do I present them? Do I look for shows of the two separate bodies, or do I look to show them together? Am I just a flounderer in the shallows of art? Maybe you shouldn't answer that, it might crush me.

Not Good Enough

I've been stumbling into the studio irregularly for a while now. As I said in the last blog entry getting started has it's ups and downs. I still like the painting I posted in the that blog entry. That was my starting point in the new studio. But, it fits with this series on my website rather than with the latest group of paintings I've been working on. I don't feel that vein (the latest work) has been tapped out yet. 

I made a better start with the work in progress below, then I veered off into another direction altogether. I posted some of those pieces on facebook. They are emotive, emotional and a way of getting out the toxins. I will probably come back to them. There always seems to be a side project. Sometimes it becomes a new direction.

The painting below is closer to where I'm going right now but it's not good enough yet. I'm going to work on it and post about that here. It might resolve in one session or take weeks. Even then I could put it aside and take it out later and feel that awful feeling of "what was I thinking, unfinished at best". It might never get where I want. But we'll see.

What do I want from it? More depth, more meaning, more solidity, more work, more risk. More.


Stage 2

Ok, take a chance, red, oops, too many colours? Make it dirtier, some white, some orange yellow, stop, wait, leave it alone, come back tomorrow, see what it says then.

Let it be ugly, bad, strange.

Stage 3

It's tomorrow, it says, more, go deeper.

It's taken me all day to start, procrastination, a part of the process. First, I'm thinking "is this getting optimistic?" "Not right at this moment. More black (or is that the easy way out), More figurative elements? Try that new paint stick Posca thing ..ooh white drawing".

Then, "Ack feels flat, dead, maybe turn off the music tomorrow".

All those voices in your head, you need them.

And later, I go into it some more though I told myself to leave it, not listening to my own advice.

The red!!  hmm, don't know about this at all.

Note: The photo light is a little uneven, it's not lighter at the top than the bottom

Leaving it now, tomorrow, there's always tomorrow.


Stage 4 (well, not really)

I've been looking at it all day, between things distracting me. Haven't started working on it yet. Took a better photo so that I can see it from a distance more clearly. Photographs do that for me, give me perspective. I am choosing not to rush in, at least for today, maybe I'll rush in tomorrow, or in a few minutes.

The photo is better, but still, gives it a darker feel than I experience in it. Hmm, is the photo trying to tell me something?

Stage 5

Still holding back, I went into it with oil markers. Thinking, slow down, take it easy, let it happen.

Here are a few of the details incorporated today.

Friday night and I'm in here, staring at a painting. I'm a hermit.

Stage 6

Oh no! ruined. Well, wiped out in frustration. Tooo bitty, too not enough, don't like the colour, too heavy, tooo messy, not right.

So, here's what happened; I was feeling maybe it was almost there, but deep down I knew it wasn't and I couldn't get past that. I kept at it till I couldn't stand it

I kept at it till I couldn't stand it.

I kept on trying, then jumped on it with a wet rag, trying to obliterate it so I didn't have to see it any more.

As it stands now, obliterated mess

Ack, I'll let you know if I think I can salvage it, maybe not. Need to do some thinking about what I'm up to. Need a plan. I am always getting ideas, but want to see this through if I can with the Secret Messages paintings.

I've been going through old art work as I unpack things and so much of it is dispiritingly bad. The good thing is that I knew it was bad at the time and so just kept on working until it got better. I do feel I've made some good work, it's just that digging through the bad stuff is not so good for my confidence. Lots of throwing out is happening.

Stage 7

Here's where I got to today. I think I'm at a point where I need to leave it for a while. I went into it thinking "nothing to lose here". Wanting to keep with the initial impulse and with the colours I started with, I continued on top of yesterday's mess.

I mixed some black, red, yellow orange and blue to get me started and scooped up titanium white the with with a palette knife. 

Thoughts as I progressed

"bring in more white so you can paint on top without the dull colour coming through"

"ooh too pastel and too pretty, too insipid, red, needs red"

"bring up the red, bring in some red linear elements" 

"better, mix some blue, put in more blue to bring it all together, not so many little bits"

"now black, bring back those figurative elements, more larger black areas, more linear elements"

So, no idea what I really think, just letting it go for now and starting something else. Unless I change my mind tomorrow.

What I Am Doing

What am I doing? I asked myself that on Facebook yesterday. So today I thought I would write about that. I'm painting. Painting makes no sense really. I'm not in it for the money or for the career. It actually takes time away from making money or having a career, I've decided. A career might happen, whatever that is, but it's taking its time. Money might happen, and it does occasionally, but not enough to use it as a reason to do what I'm doing. And, that is not what I want. I don't want money to be the reason. I'll take it if it comes though.

My answer to my question is "this is what I'm doing, I'm painting", I'm exploring, I'm living my life the way I want. It's not easy, very few have easy lives. Sometimes it's terrific, sometimes it sucks. No self-help book or rosy outlook will change that. There are things I do that help me get through the sucky though.

Today I painted. I took another older piece, shown in a previous post and I began painting on top of it. I had already reworked it from an even older piece. It still wasn't working for me. I don't know, it was too static, too obvious, not subtle enough, not enough about painting. Lately it's all about the painting and the secret messages that are held in painting and in paintings. I will try to post a photo each day I work on it of how it goes unless that starts to get in the way, or I'm too embarrassed, or I lose my nerve.

Here is where I started today:

Here's where I obliterated enough of the image to be able to carry on. Excuse the glare, wet paint.

Starting something and going on

I've been getting away from the voices in my head saying, you should do this, you should do that with regard to the paintings I am making. Unhelpful suggestions all. I needed to let something go so I'd know how to start again. I took some time away to go camping and to have friends over for dinner, to do a few neglected chores.

I needed to make decisions and go on without imposing 'must do', for all the wrong reasons, on what I did next.


Slow starter

Today I'm back. I spent the day getting here. I made breakfast, drank two cups of coffee while reading my feeds, email and Facebook. I walked the dog and did the dishes. I ate lunch while reading a few chapters of "Behind the Scenes at the Museum" by Kate Atkinson. I took some work off the drawing board and hung it up to dry. I mixed up some paint, not much, just enough to get started on something.

The last piece I worked on titled "I think I will go on" wasn't finished, just needed a little work. I did that little work. Here it is now.

Then I put another drawing that I want to rework into a painting on the drawing board. There it sits right now intimidating me, or something like that. Just sitting there saying come on do it.

The drawing I want to rework defying me to make a mark on it

I'm thinking, I haven't mixed enough paint. I'm thinking, maybe I need to warm up with a drawing, I'm thinking, oh, the dog needs to go out.. Then, finally, I'm thinking, do something, start. This is the way you do it, you start, then you go on.

So, I will start and report back.

Later:
I started, now I've completely mucked it up, I will go in and see what I can do with it. Sorry about the bad photos, not enough light in the studio for photos really and I've got work to do, so just snapshots of starting is what I have time for.

If and when it works out I'll post it on Facebook and Instagram, please follow me there.

Let me know what happens in your studio in the comments or on Facebook. I'm eager to know.

Accidental meaning.

Hard days recently but now I'm able to get time to be outside in this perfect weather, go camping, hiking, swimming, floating and recover from the recent move as well as find time and energy for the studio again. I've been feeling so much about what's really important. It's really important to work, to give, to make art that is meaningful to you, to have people you love around you, to support yourself and be independent in your art. I've been taking note.

All these words are inadequate. That's why I make things, really, I make things up, some times it's drawings, sometimes paintings, sometimes other things to try to communicate. I make things that can, accidentally, have meaning for me and I hope for someone else.

Right now I am working on two series that feel very connected and more so the more work I make. Besides these two series I'm making drawings at the beginning of each studio day. It seems that the pieces are all working together. The drawings feel somehow ahead of the works in oil paint on paper and the works on mylar. The works on paper feel somehow ahead of the work on mylar, but sometimes a work on mylar feels as though it has jumped the cue.  I'm noticing the drawings at the beginning of the day sometimes don't have obvious figurative elements in them like the other work does.

Here are three examples:

I accidentally meant that
24 x 18"
ink and collage on paper

Unknown 

24 x 18"

oil on mylar

What am I not seeing
10 x 8"
oil on huile paper

Cohere

Here is a photo of one drawing I'm happy with in this new series whose working title is Today's Lesson Will be in Life. It's drawn with oil paint, ink and pencil on matte mylar. I have things travelling through my mind that I am inarticulate about, things that come out in these drawings. When I try to talk about some of the things going on in there I see eyes glazing over.

People tell me they get these and they don't get them. That's a good thing. Just make it up as you go along.

As mentioned in my previous post, right now I'm working on coherence in my art making.